Today was a challenge. Abe woke up at 4:30, and so we started our morning early. We had a good morning and a good breakfast. At 8:30 we went out with our guide, a Chinese adoption social worker named Ada. She took us to two government buildings to pay fees and sign the official adoption paperwork. This morning at the Shanghai Bureau of Weddings and Adoptions the process that has happened in our hearts over the last months became official on paper! The offices were across town, and that business plus a stop at the grocery store on the way home took five hours. We were all pretty tired.
The afternoon was hard. Like all kinds of parenting, you figure out a lot of things as you go. Last night and this morning we let Abe eat a lot, and a lot of different foods. We didn't think about how he was used to bland orphanage food and also thought we should allow him to enjoy his first opportunity to have more than enough food. Well, that plus the stress of all the new stuff going on meant today he has a tore-up tummy. We had incorrectly guessed before getting him that he would be potty trained. Nope. So today we dealt with lots of diaper unpleasantness. Lots and lots.
We have also seen now that Abe throws tantrums when angry. This happens at naptime and at bedtime, and a couple of other times. We know that we can't respond to tantrums with an adopted child who has suffered a lot of emotional neglect the way we would with an emotionally healthy child, and we haven't figured out yet how to calm him when he is upset. We stay near so he learns we won't leave, and we let him cry it out, often he tries to kick and push us away. This is tiring for us all.
When I was younger I only thought of the idea of one's "calling" in terms of a job, particularly a job as a minister. In recent years I see it meaning much more. Growing deeper into relationship with Jesus as his follower, all kinds of things he leads me to do I realize are 'callings'. When work is challenging it helps me keep going to think of it as work I am led and called to. When marriage is challenging, it helps to remember how God led me to my wife and that I am not in it to be blessed and happy (though I often am) but I am called to be a husband, and also a father. Melissa and I reminded ourselves this afternoon that parenting Abe is something we were called to. It is part of God's plan for us. And He will support us through the challenges. There will be lots of joy, but the point isn't our joy, the point is being part of God's plan.
Abe is undernourished. He is almost four but he is the size and maturity of a two year old. Some things, like walking around and picking up toys, he can do as well as a four year old. Some things he is more like a two year old, like being unable to climb off of the bed (learned that one the hard way, and endured a tantrum as a result). It seems that he has had his bare physical needs met and little else for almost four years. Yesterday's excitement and joy subsided a bit as some understanding of the challenges of parenting this wonderful boy set in today.
Then, tonight, we were part of something beautiful. I laid him on the bed and he started crying, screaming, and kicking, as he has several times now. Melissa laid beside him and after a few minutes leaned over him and started singing in Chinese: "sleep, Dimao, I love you." In about five minutes he stopped crying. For several minutes he looked in Melissa's eyes, holding eye contact as she sang. I watched and saw prayers being answered. I saw in my wife the transforming power of God's love. I saw Abe look at his mommy, occasionally over at me, and then back to her, and then he peacefully faded off to sleep.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for your prayers. Keep praying as you are led. You are part of what God is doing in this little boy's life, and we are so grateful.
Wednesday:
Last night was beautiful, but at 2 a.m. Abe woke and started a crying fit when we wouldn't let him get up and start the day. It took 45 minutes for him to get back to sleep, and a little longer for Melissa and I. This morning we saw some sights around Shanghai. Abe was very good- he likes riding in the van and seeing things. But both after breakfast and after lunch, when he realized the food was gone, he started another tantrum. Of course, we have learned our lesson from Monday and are controlling his eating for him, and his tummy is getting better. But he does not like being told that a meal is over. Understatement.
Please pray for peace and an ability to trust for Abe. Please pray for patience, calmness, and endurance for us.
Thank you!
signing papers to make the adoption final:
Abe and Melissa in Shanghai's Yu Gardens
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